Two Bronies, A Flask, and A Lot of Confusion
by LemmingMaster
Summary: Two bronies are ambushed by a mysterious figure after a MLP:FiM marathon, and sent to Equestria. All they have with them is a flask that doesn't seem to run out, questions, and a fair amount of snark. Please Review, first writing effort in a while.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer, I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any variants thereof. Except this weird little fic.

During one of my weirder nights, I was listening to my intellectually inclined friend James go into an impassioned monologue about how truly weird the land of Equestria was, and by listening, I mean ignoring him. He picked up on this rather quickly.

"Dude, I don't think you understand how odd that place is. Have you thought about it?"  
>"You're aware we're both 20 year old males who watch a children's TV show. And you're thinking about the politics and economy of it. Give me your flask." I held out my hand, awaiting his alcohol.<p>

"Not until you admit I'm correct in how weird it is," he told me, waving the container filled with delicious booze out of my reach. A brief fight for it ensued, with myself ending up victorious, mostly due to the fact I sat on him. As we sorted ourselves back to sitting on the couch and staring at the laptop playing all of the episodes in a marathon, James brought up a rather interesting point.

"Hey…what if we were ponies?"

"We're not going to be. You're stupid." I thocked him upside the head and went back to watching the ponies get ready for the Gala. Even if I'd seen it before, the song was still good enough to warrant a second viewing.

"No, I'm serious. What if we got like…sent to Equestria and shit, and then had to live with ponies? It's something to think about, anyway. I mean, isn't it cool? It'd be pretty awesome, you have to admit."

"I'm sorry to say, I don't think we'd adapt. We're human. They are ponies. And we are very different. And while they accepted a zebra into their little community of pony-ness, they're not going to accept humans, even if they did show up, so…shut up and watch the crapping song. You're ruining it."

"But thin-"

"No. Shut up. Singing."

We sat in silence for a while after that, eating pizza and watching the show until it ended. By then, it was past midnight, and he had decided to leave. As I walked him out to his car, I thought I noticed something odd skulking around in the bushes near the parking lot, but brushed it off. We sat and talked about work for a while outside his car for a decent amount of time, thinking of all the things we'd rather be doing than work, namely watching more Pony and doing less work. As James went to put his key in his car, something leapt out of the bush, yelled something unintelligible and shot some sort of bolt at us! The last I could remember was how shiny it looked at night, and then darkness.

I was the first to awake, sitting on top of a hill overlooking what appeared to be….Ponyville? No, I couldn't be drunk still, could I? I hit James until he woke up, groaning in pain. Whatever hit us seemed to hurt him more. He stopped whining shortly after he realized where we were standing.

"Hey James, you still got that flask?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Gimme. I'm not drunk enough to deal with this."


	2. Chapter 2

Once again, I own nothing. Shocker, right?

I took a long pull rom the flask and thought again about the fact that I was standing on a hill overlooking Ponyville, something that previously had only existed in my laptop and on TV. I responded as most people would in this situation.

"Holy shit, we're in Ponyville."

James stared at me for a few moments before taking his flask back and pointing towards the larger-than-expected town.

"We're going down there, and we're finding Twilight Sparkle. Smartest pony in the town, and she probably won't try to kill us. Well, not me. She might kill you for being a clumsy dolt." He pocketed his flask again, wisely keeping it from me, as I'd probably down half of it just to keep sane. Which I was sure I'd just done, but it wasn't any emptier than when we had left my apartment. Thank God for that. The way I figured it, it was magic that made it last forever. Or I'd finally gone around the bend and was imagining everything; either way, I wasn't going to stop drinking for a while. Suddenly, James snapped his fingers in front of me.

"Hey. Pay attention to me. Twilight's library is over there and we've avoided every pony on the way in. I swear to God, if you screw this up, I will bitchslap you with the flask and keep it from you."

I muttered an agreement and a few choice curse words about his mother as he opened the door to the library we'd only dreamed of entering.

"The library is closed, you're going to have to come back tomorr-You are not a pony. What are you? SPIIIIIIIKE!" Twilight Sparkle shouted for her assistant and looked at us again. "You seem familiar, not you personally, but your existence, I mean, the shape of you…Oh, just let me study you for a bit."

My eyebrows shot up at the last one, but I stayed in place, staying silent in lieu of saying something offensive. Or, more likely, saying something stupid. James spoke instead.

"Hi. I'm James, and this is-"

"Twilight, I'm a baby dragon, I need my sleep! Why did you call…me…Twilight, what is going on."

"We're trying to figure it out, Spike. Get the machine I used on Pinkie Pie, and some of the books about the far regions and myths of Equestria. We have experiments to perform."

I finally spoke up when I heard the last sentence. "That is probably the single most frightening thing I've heard today. And I woke up in Ponyville. So, I think you can bear with me that it's been one **fucked up day.** So can we hold off on the science for maybe a few days? Until I've dealt with the fact I'm near talking ponies, unicorns, and pegasi, maybe? Is there a place to stay, or do we just crash out in a field and pray no one sees us? Because I'm actually okay with that as long as I don't get cut open for science. Does that work?"

Twilight, Spike, and James all stared at me. Considering it was the most I'd said in a while, I could understand why. James decided to intervene.

"We're okay with being studied, that's entirely logical and I can sympathize with your point of view on that. However, we need time to recover from the fact we are nowhere near where we were born or even lived, and have been transported to place where ponies talk, and do magic, and control nature, and it's honestly a lot to take in. Do you have somewhere we can stay?"

Spike looked from each of us, from my tired, confused, vaguely bloodshot eyes, to James' pleading, back to Twilight's poker face, somehow managing to give less than nothing away. Finally, she spoke, carefully.

"Fine. There's a guest room on the other side of the library. We'll deal with you in the morning. Does that work for the both of you?" I nodded wearily, and James thanked her profusely. Twilight nodded to Spike, who motioned for us to follow him.

"So, where are you two from, anyway? Manehattan? Fillydelphia? Or one of the smaller towns out there?" I motioned for James to take over speaking again, and nabbed the flask from him while I did so.

"We're from a smaller town that probably isn't on any map you have. Or any you can create. What I'm trying to say is we're not from anywhere near here, and if we were, we would probably be ponies."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense. Here's your room, by the way. Twilight gets up early to study, so try not to sleep in or she'll barge in and wake you up, and then she'll wake me up, and I like sleeping."

"Alright, Spike. Good night."

James turned to me after Spike left, grinning like an idiot.

"Come on, you gotta admit. This is pretty amazing."

Review response time!

Ruff1298: I did my best to make the characters more descriptive as well as less "average." They're based on a combination of people I know, and the POV's thoughts and speaking style based on mine, which is why it seems so dissonant. I hope I addressed a few of your concerns, it's been a while since I've written something, so I'm a bit rusty, haha.

Bluemew22: You got moar!

R'N'Rer: I will do what I can to keep the updates to 2 a week, as long as my writing partner can keep helping me. He's going on vacation soon, so here's hoping I get a backlog.

Thanks guys!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, once again, I don't own anything. Except the two OC's. And even then, I kind of lost my receipts.

I gaped at James for a few moments, not really knowing how to react. His face faltered for a moment, then fell.

"You don't love this? Dude, you're the one who showed me the show, and you always talked about how cool it would be…You okay?"

"I…I don't know. We have jobs, man. Friends. People who will notice our disappearance. I think it would be awesome to be here, yes, _in theory._ However, this is not theory. We're living in a library tree, owned by Twilight Sparkle. We live with a unicorn and her baby dragon. I mean, I get that you're psyched to be here and study all this, but I just got used to life back in the real world. Kind of a system shock to be talking to a pony, you know?" I sat down on the bed and took another large gulp of the flask. Confusingly, it didn't seem any emptier. "Hey, what's this thing's deal? It's still full. And we've both drained it about twice by the way we're drinking." I tossed the flask across the room to James, who shrugged, took a pull from it, and proceeded to upturn it so it spilled everywhere.

"HEY! That has to last…us…huh." My anger subsided as it kept pouring, and pouring, and pouring. For almost a minute, it poured onto the floor until James finally turned it back over and closed it.

"I don't think we're running out anytime soon. But I don't know if it's liquor anymore, it doesn't taste like any I've ever had. Either way, I'm not going to drink it any more if it is, gotta stay sharp-minded for the days ahead." He sat down next to me on what passed for a couch in the small room. "Look, this is rather screwed up, yes, but at least we recognize that. On the upside, talking ponies! I mean, that's badass." He saw the unconvinced look on my face. "Dude, I need you to trust me. I know you prefer staying out of things like this, but I'm going to need your help to get out of here. But try not to swear as much. I don't know if you noticed, but Twilight looked like she was about to send you flying when you swore in front of her. So…don't do that." I laughed at the idea of the pony sending me flying, and clapped him on the back.

"Alright, I'll stay calm. I, however, am not going to stop drinking that. Pretending it's booze will see me through this. That, and if it's not running out, why waste it? Anyway, we should get to bed. Since you poured all the liquids onto the floor, you get to deal with it tonight. I get the bed. Not you." I picked him up and dropped him onto the floor, collapsing on to the bed and falling asleep to the sounds of his protests. Music to my ears.

The next morning, the door opened with a crash and I fell off the bed in fright. Twilight Sparkle was in the threshold, with Spike and James carrying an armload of books each. Twilight's determined looked contrasted with Spike's apologetic and James' barely concealed glee at me hitting the ground as I'd done to him last night.

"Oh, sorry. He told me you were awake. Do you need time to get ready, we're going to be asking you some questions about you and where you come from." I picked myself up and looked at the unicorn, who was floating a clipboard and pencil in the air before her.

"Nah, I'm good. I slept in my clothes anyway. What will we start with? Name, age, stuff like that?"

"Yes, if you will. As well as area of birth and any other information you feel is relevant. This is just a basic interview to figure out what and who you are."

"Alrighty then. My name's Dan, I'm from the state of Illinois in the United States of America, I'm 22 years old, I like long walks on the beach and staring out into sunse-OW!" I yelped loudly as the clipboard impacted my head.

"You could attempt to take this seriously, you know. I didn't have to let you stay here."

"Fine, fine. All of that was correct except the beach parts, by the way. Alright, other information. Uh, hmm. I work physical labor jobs, unlike Mr. Academia over there, who can't lift anything other than a book. I am a _homo sapiens, _or human. I have no idea if you know what that is, and on the off chance you're also an alien, we're from Earth. In regards to him over there," I nodded to James, "I've known him since we were born, and we're pretty much inseparable, so anything you try on one, you're going to have to do on the other. Unless you need a control group for the experiment, in which case I volunteer and he can be the one who gets the stuff tried on him. Anything else?" I leaned back onto the couch I'd taken up residence on, awaiting her response.

"So, you're humans? Both of you? I thought it was impossible for humans to live in Equestria. Spiiiiik-"

"Twilight, I'm right behind you, you don't have to yell. James, can you put the stack over there?" The little dragon turned back to Twilight. "He's helping me haul books, so we got anything referencing humans we could up here. Problem is, there were almost none we could find. So we pretty much brought anything we might think deal with them." He pointed to the stacks in the hallway, and even with the lack of references, there was still a decent amount of books. I was suddenly glad I didn't have to do any of the reading involved, even though I enjoyed reading back home. Home. Thinking about it brewed up some unkind feelings in me, so I grabbed the flask and took a sip. Before I could take anymore, Twilight had grabbed it.

"And what, exactly, is this?" Her horn glowed as she turned the now closed container every which way, trying to keep it out of my reach. "I assume it has something valuable, and if it's from your world, I'd like to study it."

I snorted. "I can tell you what it isn't. It's not alcohol, which is what we thought it was. I don't know if you've got that here, but from where we're from, it messes up your brain and makes you do fun sh-stuff." I verbally backspaced, doing my best not to swear. "Or it can ruin a night. It's kind of hit or miss, but that's what was in that flask before we got sent here, and now I've got no idea what it is. So give it back." I made a drastic dive for it while she processed what I said, and missed terribly as she maneuvered it out of my reach, pacing the room.

"Alcohol. We have something like that, but it's not as bad sounding as you made yours. So if it's not alcohol, what is it? And exactly how full was it when you got here? From what I've seen of you, I figured you would have drained it the second you arrived." The unicorn put the flask in her saddlebag, forcing me to give up my vain attempts to snatch it.

"We've been trying, or at least I have. James won't touch it, he doesn't trust it anymore. I, on the other hand, want some. Can I have it back? Because, in all honesty, I'm just going to steal it back when you aren't paying attention, and I'd rather avoid that scenario if at all possible…" Twilight's face had hardened into one of the more terrifying glares I'd received in my life and I thought it prudent to stop talking about stealing from someone who could potentially end me. "Hey, are we done here, by the way? Can we continue another time? I'd really like to see Ponyville and meet some other residents. I'd also like something to eat."

Twilight's glare softened but she still seemed rather angry. "Fine. We can go to Applejack's farm, she may need some help applebucking. But I'm watching you. You so much as touch my saddlebag…" She left the threat hanging in the air, letting my imagination frighten me into obedience.

"Yes ma'am. No theft from the ponies."

No review responses tonight, I'm literally sitting at a party right now. I have the fourth chapter almost done though, so give me a few days. I'm trying to keep to a few updates a week. Have a good one!


	4. Not Story, Just Explanation

Hey guys, just a quickie update explaining some things, sorry to get your hopes up.

Okay, I'm ending classes soon, so I can dump more work into this, which is a good thing. And I have chapters 4, 5, and 6 already written, waiting on my computer. I finished 4 yesterday and 5 and 6 today on a 5 hour train ride from Chicago to St. Louis and back again.

It sucked. Also, for those expecting mostly hilarity and parody…Eh. I like to think I write humor well, but it's going to get serious for a few parts before it gets funny again. I'll strive to make the interactions with the ponies better, I don't think I have the characters down pat yet. I feel like I'm making Twilight too douchey.

Last but not least, which pony do you wanna see up next? I mean in chapter 7, I have a lot of shit to upload first. Rarity, Pinkie, RD, or Fluttershy? In terms of plot, Rarity will make the most sense but I'll leave it up to you guys.

Thanks again!

LM


	5. Chapter 4

I own nothing, which sadly can also apply to my personal life. I just want some MLP:FiM toys…

The 4 of us, Spike, Twilight, James and I, walked through Ponyville. While it seems calm the way I said it, trust me. Stares. All of the stares. Even Derpy kind of stared at us, bless her for trying. But who could blame them, really? I don't even think Twilight knew what we were. Hopefully she would tell Celestia, and she could either tell us what happened or send us back. At this point, I just wanted a drink.

"Hey, snap out of it! You need to pay attention to where you're walking, Dan." James pulled me out of the way of a post I almost walked into, saving me from a bloody nose, humiliation, and more attention. "You've been weird since we left, what's wrong with you?"

I considered reminding him of our conversation last night with a blow to the head, but considered it too much work. Instead, I decided to chat with Spike, probably the only one who'd treated us normally since we got here.

"So, Spike. What's it like being a dragon? Blowing fire, eating shiny stones, being generally invulnerable; it's gotta be awesome, right?" The little dragon turned from his spot on Twilight and smiled.

"You'd think so, and you'd pretty much be right. I even have hands to pick up stuff she can't! Check it!" Without waiting, he grabbed a book from Twilight's saddlebag and proceeded to juggle it, much to the unicorn's chagrin.

"Would you three please mature back there? Not only are you odd, now you're doing circus acts! Can we just get to AJ's without incident?" I grabbed the book from midair and placed it back into the bag.

"Happy now, pony? We're trying to have a bit of fun, and you keep stopping us and holy wow that's a lot of apples." I said, not even bothering to try to finish my original sentence. Twilight laughed.

"Such amazing speaking skills, as well. Soon you'll be on the same level as the rest of us." I scowled at her and went back to staring at the orchard in front of us. "Well? She might have some food for you, and who knows, you might be good at applebucking. If you can figure out how, without hooves and all."

Spike began drooling in anticipation of delicious apples, which Twilight picked up on. "Okay, you're walking. Off." With a sigh, the talking fax machine jumped off and walked next to me, muttering about apples and gems, if I wasn't mistaken. A clopping came to our ears as we approached, and a voice with a twang rang out.

"Twi! What brings you here, sugarcube? And what exactly are these?" The orange earth pony nodded at us, not freaking out but obviously curious. James spoke up.

"We're humans who are stuck in Equestria, we're not sure why, and we're quite hungry. We're willing, by which I mean he's willing," I rolled my eyes as he motioned to me, "to help with applebucking as much as possible if we can have some. Can we?" Applejack smiled.

"Why a'course ya can! Ah never turn down help for applebuckin' Well, except that one time. But uh, how exactly are ya gonna buck without hooves?" Now it was my turn to smile.

"You got a hefty stick and some weighty rocks?" Applejack's confused look only made me grin more.

_**WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!**_

I slammed the homemade sledgehammer into the tree that stood before me, thanking whatever created it that it had thick bark and sturdy roots. If I knocked it out of the ground, I got the feeling the pony behind me wouldn't hesitate to plant me where the tree was. Stepping back for a moment, I looked up to check on the progress of my own personal style of applebucking.

Which is how I got an apple to the face the first time that day. Dropping my hammer and silently congratulating myself for not only making a fantastic sledge that wouldn't break when I tossed it but also for buying steel toed boots for work when I felt the hammer land on them, I fell to the ground and clutched my face.

"WHAT THE F-," I stopped myself from cursing again. It was going to be hard to avoid cursing, but if I could break the habit, I'd probably be alright. But if I kept getting hit with apples, it was going to be a long time. Removing my hands from my face, I came to realize my nose was bleeding rather heavily. I wasn't surprised, from what I could see these apples were huge. _At least_, I thought to myself,_ they'll be filling._ Applejack came running up.

"Oh man, you okay? Ah saw that hit you in the face and you started bleeding something awful, how ya feel?" As the orange pony helped me off the ground, I felt strange. _I am being helped up by what I thought was a cartoon._ _And she's really soft and warm, and she feels really nice._ I shook myself as I stood, bracing myself on AJ. _She's a freaking pony! Stop that._ "You got a weird look on your face. You sure you're okay?" I grinned as best as I could with a fair amount of blood on my face, trying to show I was alright. The look on hers, however, told me the grin was either psychotic looking due to the blood, or she thought I needed more help.

"I'm fine, really. It's just going to hurt for a while, and I can wipe the blood off on my shirt. It's no problem, except I'm going to need to find a way to get more shirts. Blood's not my color." The earth pony tossed her head back and laughed.

"You're a funny one, ya know that? C'mon, if you're okay we got more buckin' to do, if you're up for it." She grinned as she said the last part, obviously challenging me to see if I could keep going.

"Oh, I'm up for it. I am going to buck these apples so hard you're not going to know what hit you." Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Oh man I swear that sounded less weird in my head. Let's just get the apples before I sound like an idiot again, shall we?" I hefted the hammer and walked to the next tree, and wound up for another massive swing, eyes cast skyward to watch for anymore rogue apples with a vendetta.

As it turns out, apples are some sneaky jerks. I got hit several more times that day, but none were as bad as the first time, luckily. AJ kept teaching me how to dodge, so I wasn't getting hit as often by the end of the day. It was a blast working with her, she taught well and was always patient, and I was all too happy to answer any questions she had. I didn't expect a farm pony to be so full of questions, but I also didn't expect to be speaking to a pony, so the hell do I know?

"Ay, Dan, ah I got another question." I dropped the hammer to the ground and sat on a rock, wiping my brow.

"Ask and ye shall receive, you're a far better conversationalist than these trees."

"Well, why don'tcha just use your hooves instead of that heavy hammer? Ya look like you just got pulled out of a river." I shook my head, smiling, and stood up.

"Alright, I'll use my feet, I mean my hooves. You ready?" She nodded and flopped onto her rump, watching eagerly. I stood in front of the tree I had been about to hit, took a breath, and threw a sidekick I remembered from my childhood karate classes.

_**THUMP.**_

I grabbed at my foot as I fell to the ground, once again thanking whoever made steel toed boots. Applejack ran over again, but I got up on my own. "That. That is why I use a hammer. These things I have on my feet, boots, right? They have steel in them to protect my toes from dropping things on them. But kicking things still _really_ hurts. Hence the hammer. See?"

AJ shook her head. "Ya know, you could've just told me, I woulda understood, you didn't hafta hurt yourself."

"Yeah but I kinda wanted to see if I could get an apple down like this. Turns out, I can't. I'm not shocked, I used my arms more than my legs at work, but still. My ego hurts." I laughed a bit at my own joke, then picked up my hammer again. "You think we got a good haul? The sun's starting to go down, and I don't fancy doing this in the dark." AJ nodded at me, then turned.

"Alrighty, let's head back to the house. See if Twi and your friend have learned anything." She started back down the hill and I gratefully followed the orange colored pony, tired but happy.

_On the upside, I made a friend. On the downside, I'm in Ponyville. And my friend is a pony. This…This is weird._

I'll do a few more review responses next chapter, which is already written. Don't forget to vote on the next pony you want in the story in my profile!_  
><em>


	6. Chapter 5

Wow, I wrote 2 chapters in one weekend? Hell yes! I still don't own MLP. That's all Hasbro.

I'm thinking of some interesting subplots, so it may take a while to get the next chapters up. Also, what is a beta reader? I haven't been on this site in a while and I see people thanking them.

I trudged into the house after Applejack, dropping the hammer by the door. The noise of the hammer, combined with AJ opening the door, made James and Twilight jump.

"Oh, you're done! How'd it go, did you get a lot of the trees emptied? Hey…what happened to your face?" Twilight cocked her head at the dried blood on my face and shirt, apparently not used to seeing that much blood on someone.

"Well, I took an apple to the face, and my nose didn't agree, so it started bleeding all over the apple and my face. I'm fine now though, except I need a new shirt. What'd you guys find out?" I took a seat at the table, happy to relax after a long day of work.

"Well, um," James looked concerned and bit his lip, motioning to Twilight to start. She looked equally concerned, and confused.

"That flask you two have been drinking, with the endless liquid? I think I discovered what it was, but I'm not sure." She floated it off the counter where it had been sitting among a bunch of, for lack of a better word, sciencey shit. "We think it's what is keeping you from turning into a pony like us." My face went through several emotions before finally giving up.

"What."

Applejack put a hoof on the table. "Twilight, how is that even possible? Can these two even become ponies?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out. But from what we've seen, it's looking that way. Dan's been drinking it the entire time here, correct? And James has been abstaining. And now look at him!" James removed his shirt, exposing a fine layer of hair that I was sure had not been there before. Now that I thought about it, his hair was longer, too, as well as his nose getting a bit bigger.

"Holy shit, Jim. You're becoming a horse."

James nodded. "I'm not sure how to say this, but…I think I'm going to go through with it. We're in Ponyville with no obvious way back, and quite frankly, I don't know if I would want to. People are _nice_ here! No one pissed on my apartment door, or yelled at me for having a differing opinion, or hit me for, for being…different. I wanna stay. If you want to go back, I'll do what I can. But when you go back, just tell them I'm dead or something. I'm staying." The look in his eyes told me not to press the issue. It could take him a while to decide on something, and when he did, he stuck with it forever. Which is why I figured he wanted to stay, as back home, we lived in an area not exactly kind to men of his…preference. Now I just had to make my decision.

"I do have one question, though."

"Dan, I swear to God I will hit you."

"Don't ponies get cutie marks when they're young? I mean, we're not exactly the most mature people, but still. And you'll have to go to pony class. That'll be awkward. And we're gonna need to explain your presence, maybe talk to Celestia, get some cand-"

"DAN. Wait, were you about to say candy? The hell do we need candy for?" The look of confusion on his face greatly amused me.

"I like candy. It'd be nice to have around." Confusion turned to rage, which turned to laughter. The ponies looked deeply confused, not used to our strange friendship yet. Applejack began to speak.

"Hey, y'all gotta keep it down, no one knows you're here, and if-" Before she could finish her warning, Big Mac and Applebloom walked in.

It was probably the single most awkward silence I'd ever dealt with in my life, and I have seen some weird shit. Applebloom, surprising no one, reacted first.

"Oh mah gosh, what are they? Are they mosters? Whatta we do?" The little foal ran in circles, eventually deciding to hide behind Big Mac, whose expression never changed, but when he spoke he calmed everyone in the room down from near panic.

"Applejack, who are they?" She shifted nervously.

"Well, hairy one is James, and the large one is Dan. They're humans, and they're good people. Dan helped me with the applebuckin' and James has been helpin' Twilight with figuring out how they got here and if they can go back." I looked at Big Mac and quickly realized how aptly he was named. The ponies came up to just about my shoulder, but Big Mac was at least a head over me. I knew that Big Mac wouldn't harm me as long as I didn't do anything wrong, but the size was incredibly intimidating nonetheless.

The massive pony spoke again. "I trust them if you do, Applejack. I just don't want anything bad to happen around here. We've had enough excitement in the past few months, if you ask me." Applebloom glanced out from behind the large pony, eyes wide.

"He went applebucking? But he doesn't have hooves, how'd he do that?" I smiled at her, and stood.

"You mind if I show her how? It won't take long, and I'll be right back after indulging her." Big Mac nodded as James stood up.

"I think I'll go too, I need to stretch and I'd love to see how he accomplished this without dying." He clapped me on the back while he headed to the door. Applebloom bounced out behind him, and Big Mac followed behind her, clopping in his slow, determined way.

Turning around, I spoke to AJ and Twilight. "Why don't we all go? I've got enough energy to show everyone, and you can explain more about what you learned on the way out. Sound good?" Both ponies nodded and led the way. Stopping to grab my hammer, I sighed. "Alright. I got this." Hefting the large hammer, I heard snickers coming from James, who had stayed behind to wait.

"Out of shape, Danny? I thought you could do this all day, tsk tsk." His shit eating grin bothered me just as much as the fact he was going to help me leave, but without him. Narrowing my eyes, I dropped it at his feet.

"Lift it. Lift it and go applebucking. I dare you." A puzzled look swept over his features, before going back to grinning.

"Alright, fine, Mr. Brawn over Brains. I'll show you up." James was convinced I was messing with him. Strolling out to the tree Big Mac had led everyone to, I let him start. "Dan here is going to let a man show you how it gets done. Ready?" This was the moment I was waiting for.

Thud.

A single leaf fell from the tree, and James' face fell right after that, causing me to let out a single laugh. "Wow, you showed that tree what for, hah? Gimme my hammer, you tool." Taking it from his waiting hands, I motioned for everyone to step back.

_**WHAM!**_

The tree dropped apples like they were on fire and also the tree had hands. Applebloom hopped around, trying to catch one, Twilight looked on in surprise, and Big Mac's face never changed.

"Well done. You're pretty good at that, reckon. But it's getting late, and I think y'all should head back home." I nodded and put my hammer on my shoulder.

"By the way, if I keep this up, could I possibly have a few apples, or get paid? We don't exactly have money or jobs, so food's hard to come by. " Big Mac nodded and pushed a bag of apples towards James.

"The day's pay. See ya tomorrow." I looked at James as we left the orchard, food in hand.

"You know I only let you to that because it made me laugh, right?"

"Shut up. You're sleeping on the floor tonight."

Review Response Kinda!

Bluemew twice: I haven't decided yet how to explain how they got there, if they do at all. And as for next pony...Well, I still haven't decided. But for the love of God get Cupcakes!Pinkie away from me.

Madshoe1: I hope I keep doing it right if it keeps you reading.

paulinaghost: I don't think they'll piss anyone off. Except Twilight.

Nick4120: Well, I'd like to think the rest will be good too, so thanks for saying it's good so far!

Only one more backlog chapter before I have to start writing again! When do you want it uploaded? I'll let you guys pick.


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: MLP is Hasbro's. Not mine. And thus, story. Also, I'd like to thank you all for reading in advance. I have written 3 chapters in the last 3 days, and I'm not going to lie, this one is going to be very forced due to massive amounts of writer's block. I began writing this literally hours after Chap. 5 and I wasn't in the best of moods, combined with spending way too much time on a train, so sorry in advance. 7 will be better. Thanks guys! Read and review! And check out ponychan dot net!**

I laid awake the whole night, thinking back on what James had said. _I'm staying here. _He seemed to acclimate to this place fast enough, and would probably be happy here, but what would I do? I mean, the only thing I really wanted back in life was my video games, my books, and my music. Rolling over, I resigned myself to a sleepless night on the floor, debating with myself. I knew I wouldn't come up with an answer that night, but damned if I wasn't going to try.

Waking from a fitful sleep, I managed to make it downstairs just as Twilight did. "Oh, hi Dan. Did you sleep well? I know you two are switching off on bed and floor, so…" I waved the question away.

"I never sleep well, but thanks for your concern. Want me to make breakfast?" I motioned to the kitchen behind us, and she nodded gratefully. "Alright, what would you like?"

The purple pony looked thoughtful for a second, then looked back at me. "Do you even know what ponies eat?" My eyebrows went up.

"Grass of some sort, I'd assume. I don't see what that has to do with me, though." I realized what she meant. "Aw, crap. You've got nothing but grass and flowers, I assume? How does one even plate that? 'Here's a plate of something I just pulled from the ground!' It just doesn't make sense." Twilight rolled her eyes at me.

"It's not exactly like that, but you make a point. What did you usually eat back where you're from?"

I shook my head. "I'm not that answering that. You'd freak out." She picked up the clipboard she had from the other night, readying her pencil.

"Call it research. What was your diet?"

"You're asking for it. Fine. As a general rule, I pretty much ate meat. Steaks, sausage, pepperoni, burgers, stuff like that. Usually with some form of potatoes, like fries." I looked back at her, having listed things off on my fingers. The unicorn had gone rather pale. "I told you! See? Pretty much, where I'm from, people like James and I are the only things that talk. Some birds can too. There are people who refuse to, called vegetarians, who only eat stuff you're used to, plants and the like. If I'd known this would have happened, I probably would've eaten more veggies. Oh, don't look at me like that, it was just _food_ to me. My burger wouldn't lift up a clipboard and bop me with it. Besides, I'm a bit stuck eating veggies now anyway. Good thing I like apples. Any other questions you don't want answered?" The pony shook her head, finished writing and put the clipboard down.

"That's rather shocking. I think I should tell Celestia about all this. You are done with meat, correct?" I nodded. "Good. Care for an apple while we wait for the others to wake up? I need to get a letter ready for Spike to deliver to the Princess anyway."

I munched on a rather delicious apple while she busied herself with working out the wording for what I assumed was her weekly correspondence with her mentor. James came down shortly after she finished, Spike following him, listening to James explain how letters worked back home.

"So they just give the letter to someone else, who sends it to the one you want to get the letter? Why not just use dragons?" James facepalmed.

"Spike, for the last time, we don't have dragons. We have machines and such. It would make so much more sense if I had diagrams…" As he sat down, I noticed his hair was getting longer and thicker than it had been at any point. I put my hand on the flask in my pocket, unsure of what to do. Twilight finally noticed Spike and James, and floated a letter to Spike.

"I need you to mail this to Princess Celestia before you do anything else, it's important. It is in regards to these two, okay?" The small dragon yawned and, taking the scroll, belched a plume of green fire, sending the letter on its' way.

"Speaking of things to do, can we go to a clothing shop of some sort? I'm going to need a new shirt and a backpack. And I just know he," I jerked my thumb at James, who was mid-apple bite when he looked up, "is going to need some new clothes once he pony-fies." Twilight summoned yet another clipboard, leading me to wonder how many she had lying around.

"Yes, I'll put that on the agenda for today, along with applebucking for you and research with me for James. I can't pay you, James, but hopefully the Princess will see you today and help us figure out what happened." I raised my hand, an old habit from school.

"Do I need to meet with Celestia, or are we going to deal with me at a later date? I ask because I'm more than likely going to be applebucking all day, correct?" Twilight nodded again. "Well, I'll try to make it back here to talk, but I make no promises. There's so many apples. It's just not fair. I mean, I knew there were a lot, but sti-" My almost-bitching session was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Isn't it rather…early for visitors?" Twilight trotted to the door.

"Maybe it's just the mail, Bubbles gets up earl-Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! Good morning!" Twilight, Spike, and James bowed faster than I thought possible, and James reached up and pulled me to the ground, with a muttered, "bow, jackass!" accompanying it. The princesses smiled at us, and gestured for us to stand.

"Thank you, I hope we're not intruding on breakfast, Twilight, but we got your letter and just had to see what was so urgent." Celestia's smile and voice were like a painkiller for tension. I felt like all my stress was melting, better than Big Mac's voice. Princess Luna moved towards James.

"So, these are the humans? This one is rather…hairier than what I remember, wouldn't you say, sister?" She walked around him, and then me, studying us. James coughed.

"Well, I'm uh…kind of becoming a pony. So that would explain the hair." To my eternal amusement, Luna's poker face was awful, a look of shock replacing her regal features, leading me to chuckle in front of royalty. I could have better timing, really. She turned on me.

"This one, he is not as hairy, but he's…large. Much larger than what I remember." That stung. I wasn't that fat, but damn.

"I'm not large, I'm fat. And some of it's muscle, come on. That, and what do you mean from what you remember? The hell are you on about?" A swat from James ended that sentence before it could get any worse. Celestia seemed to smile at our antics, or she was just a happy person. I'm not sure.

"I can tell you. For a period of time, humans and ponies lived together in harmony, long before the schism happened." My brain shut down for the second time in as many days, but this time Twilight's voice joined mine.

"What."

Luna giggled and began to explain. "Before I was sent to the moon, humans were a part of Equestria, and could come and go between our world and yours with ease. Trade was prosperous, and all were happy. Except for the more warlike of your race, who demanded we submit. As you can see, we refused. Your leaders, in a bid for more land and subjects, invaded, and sad to say, we repelled them violently. After that, we closed the gate between our worlds, letting any who had refused to take part in the fight stay. However, we could not make them like us, and they were outcasts. Eventually, they died out, and you're the first of your kind to return. Strange…" Luna began pacing around us, wondering aloud to herself. "Why would you two, of all humans, be let in? Which of your mages sent you through?" James cocked an eyebrow.

"Mages? There's no mages. I was walking out of Dan's apartment and talking to him when we got shot with a bolt of something and sent here. We didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter, y'know." Celestia looked to me.

"And you? Do you have anything to say in this?" I shrugged.

"Honestly, not really. I prefer to sit and observe before saying anything. This whole thing is more than a bit messed up and I'd really rather have no part in it. However, as my hand has been forced, and I'm in Equestria, as a human, and as the only one remaining human for now, I gotta say. I really, really **don't care.**" Everyone's face changed when I said that, save Celestia's. I don't think a metor crashing could faze her. Luna once again had a look of shock, James looked mildly amused, as did Spike, and Twilight…I had no idea where her face was. It looked like a combination of the look your mom gives you when you've said something bad in front of a guest and trying really hard not to laugh. The Princess of the Sun looked at me.

"You truly do not care? Isn't it your nature to question things, be curious?"

"I guess? I'm not like most, to be honest. I like simple things. I mean, I've been here all of two days and I already like applebucking more than any job I've had, even if I haven't decided if I'm going to stay human or not. I really don't know. But I do know that I signed on for a job at the orchard, and that that's what I'm doing today." Celestia raised an eyebrow. "After I finish here and go get a new shirt, of course. This one's all blood filled and such. I'd rather not keep wearing it."

Luna looked at her older sister. "Well, he certainly knows what he's doing, doesn't he? All fired up about it and ready to go forth with his day, ready to take on the world." I excused myself to the guest room to see if I could find anything resembling a new shirt, and James came with to help me look.

"Yes, ready to take on the world. I hope he knows what he's in for." Celestia thought aloud to herself.

**I changed the end of the chapter by about 300 words, and it took a bit. Like I said, it's gonna get drama-ish before it gets back to straight humor, but I will do my best to make it as amusing as possible. Review responses, go!**

**Bluemew: I shall keep working, and I was unaware a fellow troper was reading my work! I'd love nothing more than to hit the recommendations page or even get my own page on TvTropes, but I doubt it's that good yet. I need to write more. As for the next pony…Well, Cupcakes!Pinkie is in the sun, but I'll see.**

**Xavey: I'm aware they're short, I'm trying my best to write more, but for some reason, about 1500 seems to be my peak. Thank you so much for the review and alert. I'll try to make the next chapter longer, it's looking like it has to be anyway.**

**Liunt: Well, it's ready, or as ready as it can be. Here you go!**

**I am out of my backlog chapters, so here's hoping I can get about 2 chapters up a week. See you next week!**


	8. Chapter 7

**I'm writing this the day after I posted the last one, mostly to have something to do. I have the ending planned out already, but other than that, I have no idea. Also, I own nothing. That's allll Hasbro and the Hub.**

As I searched the guest room James and I shared, looking for anything to cover me until I could get to Rarity's clothes shop, explain I was a person, and get a shirt. Unless, of course, she freaked out and had to be calmed down. Come to think of it, I hadn't dealt with any ponies other than Twilight, AJ, and the Princesses. I mean, sure, we'd seen them, but we hadn't spoken to any. Even Derpy or Bubbles or whatever her name is, and she delivers mail. Hopefully, we'll deal with….well, coming out to them, as it were, sooner rather than later. I don't want to be the worst kept secret in Ponyville.

That, and a Pinkie Pie party would be pretty badass to be involved in instead of just watching. My mind traveled to the various shades of awesome present in a Pinkie party before James derailed my train of thought.

"Hey, you need a shirt, right? Take mine; I'm going to be in here all day anyway. That, and I need to get used to not wearing clothes, what with the whole 'becoming a pony' thing I'm going through. Besides, I'm much better looking without a shirt than you are. Gotta show off, right?" I leveled a look at him that could burn through steel. "Uh…just take the shirt. I'm gonna go away now…" As I rolled by eyes and grabbed the shirt, I came to an unfortunate revelation.

James was in far better shape than me. To the point where his shirt did not fit. This was rather…annoying. I may have a shirt, but it would also look godawful on my frame. After giving it some thought, and hearing Twilight call me downstairs several times, I tossed the shirt to the bed and went to meet them.

"Alright, we're heading to Rarity's to get you two some clothes while you're here and-Dan, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Twilight cocked her head at me, while Spike giggled and James just sighed.

"Eh. It didn't fit, and I don't wanna wear the bloody one. Can we just go to Rarity's without incident? I'd like a shirt or two, this whole 'shirtless' thing doesn't appeal to me." Twilight shrugged and put her saddlebag on. "Thanks, I just wanna get to work and pretend it's a normal day, except add ponies and remove everything normal." Twilight smiled.

"You seem to be adjusting quite well." I shook my head, grinning.

"To be honest, I'm barely holding together, and part of me still thinks I'm having some sort of psychotic break. So I figure I'll just go with the flow until I either accept the fact I'm here, get sent home and go into a mental hospital, or lose it and retreat into my mind. Either way, we have things to go. Forward!" I gestured towards the door, much to Twilight's chagrin.

"That's not a healthy attitude, you know. It can lead to various mental and emotional stresses, combined wit-" I cut her off.

"Yep. I'm aware. However, my mental state is not up for discussion right now, I'd rather get a new shirt from any possible clothing store. If Rarity can do it, let's go there. If not, then we traverse the whole town until we find one!" Twilight cocked an eyebrow and Spike stared. "Or until you two point me to where the closest designer is and we solve this problem quickly. I'm just trying to have some fun, man…" Spike giggled and hopped onto Twilight.

"Well, then let's go! Hey, anypony seen James?" Spike looked around the library-tree, finally seeing the person...or pony he was searching for. Clopping was heard as he trotted out from the bathroom, a bright blue unicorn with a silver mane, and an atom surrounded by protons and neutrons for a cutie mark.

"Holy shit, James. You're actually a pony. Weren't you…but…a minute ago…EXPLAIN." The last word was shouted, causing everyone in the room to flinch. I was suddenly glad that Luna and Celestia had left while we were upstairs, because I don't think seeing me freak out on a friend would help my position any. "Is this seriously how long it takes? About **two fucking days?** Just, 'Oh hi I'm a pony now'? The hell am I supposed to do? I'm the only goddamned human left in Ponyville, man! I was already an oddity, at least you usually stayed in the buildings so no one noticed you, but man, I have a job! I have shit to do! And now I'm the only person in this town? Do you know how that feels, man? No! No you don't! **BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING PONY NOW, ASSHOLE.**" I had been walking towards him the entire time, gesturing wildly, before suddenly I was lifted into the air. If you've never been lifted into the air, it's a very confusing feeling. Confusing enough that it made me stop dead. Looking around, I noticed Twilight's horn glowing, and she began to speak.

"Can't you stop swearing? Please? He's your friend, you're supposed to support his decision, no matter what! It might hurt you, but he's doing what he feels is right, and if you can't handle that, then…then maybe you should deal with it in private and stop yelling in my house, please!" I nodded, and she lowered me to the ground.

"I'm…we're going to deal with this. We are. But we're going to deal with it later, in private. You got that?" James nodded, then motioned for us to leave.

"Well..shall we get going? I'd like to show off my new pony-ness and get a saddle bag for storage, if that's alright with you guys…" I just stared at him.

"You're a pony, and I'm going to support you. But don't rub it in, asshole. I'm still mad at you." I heard Twilight sigh behind me.

"He went a whole day without swearing…"

**Review response, yay! And I'm not going to lie, I forced pretty much the entire second half of this chapter, and am officially flying by the seat of my ass in terms of story. All I've got in mind is the ending. Until then, I have no clue. Whooo!**

**Whitest Kid U Know x2: I saw the tropes page, holy shit! I didn't expect anyone to make one, much less put tropes on it! Though, what would you do with a tvtropes page, aside from trope it. Thanks for telling me about it!**

**Nick4120: Sure! As long as it's a pony, I would have no idea how to toss another human in here. Maybe he's the salespony who sells Dan his clothes in the next chapter?**

**Bluewmew22: I don't even know how we'd get to the 6th wall, but if it involves Grimdarkia, I don't want it...**

**Okay guys, next chapter should be up around Thursday, I'm trying to keep a consistent schedule, but I just got an assignment to write for a game I'm working on, and I wrote this as a distraction while I didn't have an assignment...But this will not fall by the wayside! I promise you guys. And trope the hell out of my trope page, I'll put it in my profile. Thanks again!  
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	9. Sorry Guys

Sorry guys! Another update post.

I'm going to be entirely honest, I've had chapter 7 or 8(I forget the numbers) sitting at about 600 words for a good 5 days now. Massive writers block followed by realizing I can take this story so many ways has left me terrified of putting out a shitty product.

What I'm saying is my story is now on Valve time, for those of you who get that reference. I've been going through various plot ideas in my head and with the person James is based on, and I've come to the conclusion that I can seriously go many different ways. Like, I could go grimdark and take a look at Dan's subconscious as he deals with all this, which I could probably do very well, but I fucking hate grimdark. I really don't know what to do, but I'm moving the update schedule back to once a week. I'm sorry guys, but it's gotta happen. I'm going to do everything in my power to bang out as many chapters as possible, and with my wisdom teeth removal in a few days, I should have some interesting painkiller induced chapters coming up.

Also, a few review responses and a chapter preview to tide you over! I swear I'll update this week.

Bluewmew: So many walls to break. All the walls!

Nick: Uh...gonna have to pass.

Icreus: In theory, I could wrap this up in about 4 more chapters, but I think I'll keep it going until you guys start getting bored of it, then wrap it up. Which should take about 5 chapters, haha.

Whites Kid u Know: It's still pretty badass, and I give you 3 internets for it.

And now, the preview!

**I grumbled the whole way towards Rarity's boutique, ignoring the glares I received from Twilight. She had no idea what I was dealing with. Only human in Equestria, and my best friend turned into a unicorn, how did she think I would feel? Happy? For James, yeah. He looked happier than I'd ever seen him. I mean, he was literally prancing around, and I gotta tell ya, it's incredibly strange to watch your best friend prance around you while you yourself look like you're going to stab everybody. So, naturally, we got a lot of strange looks. And due to being in a rage-filled haze and not paying attention, I ended up bumping into someone. Someone soft, someone warm, someone…pink. Pink?**

**Oh, fuck me, I was not ready for this.**

Enjoy! Lem


	10. Chapter 8

**Hey, remember when I said I'd update Thursday? Neither do I! I ended up trying to fix my copy of Fallout: New Vegas and reading up on Equestria Daily the whole freaking day. And today. So, without further ado…here's another forced chapter, because all the plot threads in my head are fucking around near the end of the story! Enjoy!**

**MLP:FiM is owned by Hasbro and The Hub.**

I grumbled the whole way towards Rarity's boutique, ignoring the glares I received from Twilight. She had no idea what I was dealing with. Only human in Equestria, and my best friend turned into a unicorn, how did she think I would feel? Happy? For James, yeah. He looked happier than I'd ever seen him. I mean, he was literally prancing around, and I gotta tell ya, it's incredibly strange to watch your best friend prance around you while you yourself look like you're going to stab everybody. So, naturally, we got a lot of strange looks. And due to being in a rage-filled haze and not paying attention, I ended up bumping into someone. Someone soft, someone warm, someone…pink. Pink?

Oh, fuck me, I was not ready for this.

"Hiiiiiii! Are you new? Oh my gosh, new ponies in town! Twilight! We should throw a party! Who's this? You're not a pony. Unless you're a weird looking pony. What are youuuuu?" Pinkie Pie got quite close trying to figure out what I was, and I backed into James, looking for an escape route to get away from this much energy. I was in no way prepared for Pinkie this early in my day, let alone in this kind of mood. She didn't pick up on it, and kept bouncing until Twilight stopped her.

"Pinkie, this is Dan. He's a human, something we don't have around here. He's staying in the library until he figures out what to do, and he's letting me study him. Right now we're on the way to Rarity's to see if we can get him a few new shirts for work. Would you like to come?" Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, it'll be so much fun! I can't wait to see what Rarity has for you." I grumbled and began walking again, relying on my miniscule knowledge of Ponyville's map to get me to Rarity's.

I gave up shortly after and let Twilight lead, ignoring her smirk. Pinkie Pie strolled along next to me, staring. "What. What do you want. Go bother James, I'm sure he'd love to answer questions." Pinkie Pie shook her head. Sighing, I responded, "Fine, ask away."

"Where'd you come from? Where's your hooves? What do you do? What's that red stuff on that shirt you're carrying?"

"I'll answer those in order, and that's all you're getting. I'm from Earth, specifically the United States of America, state of Illinois. I don't have any hooves, being a human. I've got hands. And the red stuff on my shirt is blood, from when I got hit in the face with an apple at Applejack's farm yesterday. And to answer one I know is about to come," I took a glup from the flask, "this is a flask. It's filled with something, not sure what. But it's keeping me sane and not a pony. So that's that. Anything else?" Pinkie's eyes went wide.

"You can turn into a pony? Why won't you? Being an Equestria girl is awesome! I mean, you'd be a guy, but it'd still be sooo much fun!" She continued bouncing as I sighed and finally, giving up, grabbed her mane.

"_Listen. To. Me._" The pink pony nodded. "I don't want to be a pony. I have friends, a job, and family back home. If there's no way back, I'll consider it. But until then, I'm holding onto my pathetic hope for normalcy, and to be honest, I have had one hell of a day, and I've been up for about 2 hours. So, for the love of God, _shut up_. At least for five minutes. And don't give me that look," I added, as I saw her lip start to tremble, "The 'Pinkimena' persona won't work on me. Not today. So just….try to contain yourself. For a bit. Please." The filly's hair deflated for just a moment before regaining composure.

"Is it like Fluttershy's Quiet Game? I always lose that but that's okay, because I love talking! It's so much fun!" I sighed heavily and kept walking, ignoring Twilight's look of bemusement at Pinkie's antics. Shortly thereafter we reached Rarity's, and a whole new world of annoyance opened up.

"My word, you simply must let me do something with these," said the white unicorn, pointing to my heavy denim work jeans. I glared at her.

"Just touch them up, fix the holes, and make them more durable, please. Don't add sparkles, don't add ribbons, and don't do anything unless you're going to run it by me. They're jeans, not a dress for a pony. And I'm going to need a new shirt, in the style of this." I tossed the bloodied fabric at her, earning a puzzled look. "That's blood. It makes the shirt all itchy and I'm not going to wea-" My reasoning was cut off as I heard a shriek and took a blood-shirt to the face.

"Do NOT get your bodily fluids on me! I cannot believe you would do such a thing, my word!" Rarity drew closer to me, indignation in her eyes, before Twilight stepped between us.

"Rarity, Dan has had…an interesting time in Ponyville, and while he's not the easiest, well, person to deal with," Twilight amended as she glared at me, "he does need your help. Please make it? He'll be nice from now on." I rolled my eyes. "_Right?_" Detecting the oh so subtle threat in her comment, I nodded. "Thank you. See? We can all get along just fine." Rarity looked at me, looked back at Twilight, and back at me.

"I can get along just fine if he can." I mentally sighed. This was sounding more and more like the sleepover episode, but fuck it. If it got me my new shirts and jeans, I would be Rarity's best friend. Or something close. I just really wanted to get my clothes and get to the orchard. And the bouncing next to me didn't help, but at least she was staying rather quiet. Pinkie Pie had been talking to James pretty much since I'd yelled at her, so it was nice for some quiet. And James had saint-like patience, due to putting up with me for many years. The amusement on his new face was apparent as he explained many things about humanity to Pinkie, and it shocked me how many she understood. She'd never seemed like the intellectual type, but she always had a strange understand of things no one else on the show had. Feeling a nudge, I snapped out of my thoughts. Twilight had been poking me.

"You okay? You're much angrier than I've seen you. It's really unsettling to see." I slumped, vaguely ashamed.

"Yeah, I'm mad. My best friend's a pony and I'm fairly sure I'm a few inches away from either a psychotic break or a nervous breakdown. The only thing I've got going is applebucking and drinking whatever's in this flask, and now I don't even know if I want to go home. It's not great there. Not remotely as good as I pretended, and I just want to go back because it's familiar. It's way too…happy here. I'm not used to it. Everything seems to go right, except for the variables in the case of James and I. He's acclimated rather quickly but, obviously, I'm having trouble. I just don't know what to do." I slumped against the wall and felt Twilight's reassuring hoof patting me on the arm.

"It'll be fine. You're going to see what to do soon, and you'll end up fine. And I'm here to talk if you need me, even if I have a 'fucking pony,' as you so kindly put it to your friend earlier." I smiled.

"Sorry, I'll try to swear less. And thank you. I'll figure something out, I just need time. I always have plans. They all suck, but I always, always have a plan."

**I'm not going to lie. I hate writing Rarity. I'm really bad at writing for established characters and Rarity's nowhere near my favorite pony, which is probably why this took so long. A massive sale is happening at work, but I should pump out a chapter by next Saturday. Now, review responses!**

**Nick: He is not in. Sorry, bro.**

**Whitest Kid U Know: Chapter is up! Put the gun away! Or give it to me, I've been in the market. And I don't think my family knows what that is, but my dad did tell me if I tried to get him to watch this he'd hit me. Sorry to ruin your Cupcake fun, Capt. Grimdark.**


	11. Drunk Update

Okay so, I have not updated in going on 7 months.

_**I APOLOGIZE.**_

I did not expect people to actually like this, because to me it honestly read like shit.

_**HOWEVER.**_

I will try to update in a few weeks, because I was recently put into a writing mood(blame the massive amounts of alcohol I've been forcing into my system I mean holy shit.) except my laptop died.

**_SO HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN._**

I'm gonna rewrite the FUCK out of the next chapter I had written, remove the grim dark horsefuckshit I had already, and possibly **_SOBER THE FUCK UP_**(not promising anything) and when my laptop gets back in a few weeks you shall have a new chapter.

_**THAT SOUND GOOD?**_

I bet it does okay you enjoy your holiday I'm gonna go pass out in a puddle of friendship and tolerance.

_**PEACE**_

LemmingMaster


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